Brought Out by His Hand
I delivered myself from the addendum Egypt at thirteen fully expecting to be burned. Saying: If I must believe HaShem is a man, burn me now.
Wandering without Compass but In the Direction
Early in college, I wanted to be a mathematician. In Calculus II, I studied all night in the math classroom they left open at night, neglecting my other courses. I was dreaming equations, setting the curve going into the final and diverted my attention to the courses I was neglecting. The math teacher, Professor Mauldoon, failed me though I had a passing score.
I was thrown back to all the injustices I’d suffered in the desert wilderness, the B average out of setting the curve. I had no resources to go to summer school, had to work in the summer. I should’ve repeated the year, but I didn’t have a mentor for advice, to give me faith. So I dropped my dream and took what I already had and settled for pre-med.
That was the death of faith, in myself. Like Don Quixote’s faith in his strong arm, mine was in my strong mind. Toppled from Rocinante by; You could’ve done better.
Faith Until Then
Stuck in the mud of shame waiting for a Sancho alter-ego mentor that never came, my faith in myself was shattered along with faith in justice out of the desert wilderness.
My parents thought I was crazy when I transferred myself to Central, but I knew I could do it. My parents thought I was crazy for wanting to go to the best liberal-arts college in the country, but I knew I could do it. The Negroes at Amherst College thought I was crazy for choosing Natural Sciences, but I had faith I could do it. Until then.
When I went to the Bridge Program that summer before freshman year, I thought they were delusional, certain I was head and shoulders smarter than anyone I’d ever met. Turns out, the disadvantage was being from a public school in the desert wilderness. What’s review for the first two years for those from New York public schools or prep schools is new and alien when from climes that don’t value education — to this day.
A Negative Epiphany
I was also crushed to find out that I was only an average genius, with some serious artillery walking around close to 200 in an Alabama farm boy wearing Lil’ Abner too-short coveralls. Part of Dave Gordon’s genius was not letting himself be distracted, as many Negroes are from endemic hate environments like the desert wilderness that pours race into your pores.
The Hand of Friendship
I was offered the hand of friendship repeatedly by fellow science library nerds, but didn’t know how to accept. Accustomed to Lilliputian-minded dim-witted dullards in the desert wilderness, I let it catch me from behind in a race-based avoidant personality disorder trying to go it alone.
My self-esteem invested in my intelligence, my Faith invested in emigration to a land of justice, lo, was I brought low, thrown back by my own beat for no reason incapacity to escape from the jellyfish stings of the desert wilderness.
Faith in People
In this world, people mainly have faith in each other. In the I-Thou of people, faith is co-mutual, as learned as anything while as natural as an infant’s smile for its mother. The definition of the ‘us’ world of yetzer haTov is who’s Chosen to have faith in us, and who one can have faith in, from infancy.
Faith is sunshine that makes the leaves grow, makes the person grow. As social animals, to have faith in ourselves, we need others to have faith in us. Every success has had a parent and or mentor – coach guiding while cheering for their success.
Web of Faith
The successful have faith in themselves as people have faith in them have faith in people of their association. Self-esteem is a sense of deserving, worthiness; an expectation of a positive outcome. For some, this ‘cockiness’ is ‘going places,’ and in others as in the Desert Wilderness, its to be crushed with the same fervor they gerrymander to mitigate voting of the uppity today.
We assimilate or dissimulate our ways of being from our environments with a genotypic influence, pheromonal trails that are both within and without. By seven, the die is cast, it is what it will be while some People Can Change, but only from the Soul within.
I was avoidant under the Great Oak praying for Passover long before dreaming of Exodus. I’ve struggled with a lack of faith in people all my life, perhaps beat for no reason in the desert wilderness does that.
The reason that old-South Negroes still hold on to now termed historically Black colleges is the slowly abating undercurrent of conditionedthat white people can’t be trusted to give this faith, short of ability to run jump or shoot sing dance a jig — entertain.
The reason Negroes excel in athletics is not genetics, but more so because their Mentors, then America has faith in their fruits in these labors.
The infusion of European basketball players is because somebody had faith in them, and taught them to have faith in themselves. In time. it will be known that faith is the rate-limiting factor, of everything.
Booker T. Washington’s premise that you take the opening the Chess game gives won over W.E.B. Dubois’ talented tenth that can be more equal than the masses below is due to the opportunity of faith, the light a mentor places in you. Life boils down to who you have faith in, and who has faith in you.
Walls of Hate that Kill Faith
The Nation of Islam’s smacking with gross mastication is really directed against all white people. I went to one of their meetings in college with a friend who’d converted, and ‘the Jews this and the Jews that’ was slapping me harder than cursing my duplicitous mother. They were reading passages from the bible and trying to pass that off as Islam, but that wasn’t the point.
They’re saying we’re not old-South preachers Putting Food on the Table by teaching submission. Non-Muslim Negroes with Muslim names are; It’s OK to be a Negro baby. They’ll Hate you, their blue-eyed blond man as if deity Hates you, tells you to accept your lot.
Don’t listen to them; don’t let them teach you to Hate yourself. Every time you hear your name, remember. You can succeed. I love you, now love yourself. Have faith in yourself, even when they don’t. G-d Bless the Child with a name, they won’t.
Creates a pre-existing condition of distrust. Deserved by some, but not all, even in the Desert Wilderness.
The Lie that Paint Makes a Better Car
Tendencies remain, so I took early acceptance at Howard, out of fear of the Desert Wilderness. Loyalists have faith in their Man-as deities. As I tried to articulate in an open letter I sent to a Shana at Amherst College years later after having experienced at Howard that pecking orders and proclivity for xenophobia to justify are Human conditions, not at all excepted by race.
There’s no Virtue or Shame in race, and its wrong to believe that history of oppression is a Virtue as well. Negroes Hispanics and Jews are culturally sensitive to icebergs of injustices, but that certainly doesn’t mean any of them don’t have their fair share of Man-as deity within them.
Making race or religion a deific thing is destructive both within and without. That only means that they’ll have the Atwater opportunity to betray instead of the other. Having assimilated Man-as, some aren’t rejecting the whip of unjust judgement but only complaining about who gets to wield it with code-words of condemnation.
Roots of Seeking Wisdom
Returning to my roots of Philosophy, I became an Independent Scholar to joust the windmill of my decision to wander to prove the honor of chivalrous rejection of a man as for an incalculable reward of My Shekhinah from The Absolute-Unity and Unity. Since, taking my instructions ever more seriously, to honor my father and mother regardless of being beat for no reason, I moved my parents to Houston after Dada became senile after he had a heart attack trying to chasing an emotionally disturbed ‘The Boy’ trained to be inconsiderate.
Standing in the Door
Momma; Your daddy’s standing in the door and won’t come to bed, what are you going to do about it? Night after night at three A.M., surgery at 7:30; Sister living free in their house around the corner. I was killing my practice in back and forth Houston to Tulsa trying to work out them staying out of a nursing home.
Knowing Momma couldn’t be trusted, I tried to reason and explain and get an agreement in advance, put them in a nursing home for a couple weeks so she could see what it’s like. I should’ve expected her to leave me hanging with a $3000 a month private nursing home tab that I told her I couldn’t afford.
Later, I went to therapy for years trying to get out of this do the right thing addiction. My therapist; You need to learn the culture of the situation before you do anything. Did no good. I don’t have faith in rescue or wafer and wine salvation. I’m compelled to obey by Awe of HaShem, regardless.
There is an endless list of decisions I’ve made in a disability of not being able to refuse to do what I think is His right, even to my own destruction. And another endless list of failures due to a lack of faith in people.
Through history, people have cried out against Injustice, as returning to the dancing around the golden calf resulted in the compassionate and merciful re-giving of The Divine Torah, forgiving what they’d done. Delivered, we know to the last generation. Those being cursed with ‘not religious’ still created the world as a different place five thousand seven hundred and seventy two years later, on His behalf.
The Livestock Will Remember
True, the livestock will remember and teach other souls of what was done. I read with interest Man-as deities of life and death talk about it’s OK to kill innocent gentiles. That Saul and Jacob were too weak, and we’ll make things right by finishing the herem job this time.
We’re to make common cause as Birds of a Feather with people who love murder, people so irreverent that they tack an addendum on our holiest reference. They’re not only faithful that this most egregious injury isn’t in need of forgiveness, but damn people with man-as deity if they don’t agree.
Even if they don’t, we know better. We have no pheromonal defense. To say, I covet my neighbor’s land so I’m going to murder him is one thing. But hate-mongering to justify and marketing these as His talking-points-will, as a ‘religious freedom’ is too much. I expect the whole of Greater Israel, but murdering billions isn’t pragmatic, beyond the issue of interpretation of right and wrong. As livestock deliver the news, what of our world of today?
Faith in Power Money Might
As certain as I am that except the instance for which I can’t Forgive myself I cite, I was trying to do the right thing. The culture of the world of lie plantations today is that people don’t have faith in being truthful, so they place their faith in the power of lying in wait to lie as they breathe. Some are so committed to lying, they’ll lie when the truth will serve better.
I’m certain that faith in lying is a losing proposition. Lying may have short term gains, but in the end, the lie will be known and the injuries will tell into the depths of time. In my case, those lies created permanent remorse to the bottom of my soul that I live with, whether forgiven or not.
As Jews have been accepted into mainstream culture as valid and white friends of South African Apartheid, Rabbi Meir Kahane’s movement has come of age with allusive antisemitism, with Jabotinsky Zionism a new man-as deity addendum. association with avatars of hate painting the Collective as Guilty.
Value of Self-Preservation
I fully acknowledge the value of self-preservation. And, as with my mother, I know that trying to appeal even to self-interest has limited utility when dealing with people whose ways of being are set in stone. But, His reality is that Jews and Arabs in the Canaan of Jordan are as existentially bound as humans in this world. We were Chosen to do the right thing there, for His sake. For the Sake of Heaven.
I’ve made mistakes adrift in an ocean of inertial ignorance, one worse than others. Knowing I may well be mistaken in this as well. I’m obligated to hear somebody speak up to say that He placed faith in us to bring Unity, even if it has to be me. We will return to reverence by turning away from an Egypt of Idolatrous hate justified in a world of code-word lies in league with Birds of a Feather of the ultimate man as if lie.
By Having Faith
Rather than too much compunction to do the right thing, I’ve had too little. Now, my Awe of HaShem includes not only the obligation to have faith in Israel, but also in all those good souls of yetzer haTov we already know will receive their portion in His World to Come.
In all events, in hope of Faith in forgiveness, leave The Holy Name in reverence.