Born Abandoned

Gustave Dore-535343I was Born far downstream in the Desert Wilderness, abandoned to Wander. No one wants to be abandoned. In human interaction, being ignored evokes intense discomfort, that’s on a continuum with being abandoned. There’s hardly a greater sense of worthlessness. Regardless of purported philosophical systems and invocations of deity or not, primary to all religions is a who’s in and who’s out. Who’s cared for and who isn’t. The ‘conversation’ is secondary with an expectation that those who want to be ‘in’ agree to the terminologies that make the definition. Is the fundamental of religion.

Identity of self is integral to a sense of belonging and care, from parent to who, if anyone, will care for us during this life and after we’re gone. The closest to Atheism I come is when I experience myself as abandoned in my belief as Job that there is no compassion from the whirlwind, that I’m the fool hemmed on all sides by an inability to Abandon while the wicked who reject compassion for any suffering other than their own are exalted in this existence.


When I was twelve, I went to a week-long Lutheran stay-over summer-camp in a hotel named Camelot on the south side of Tulsa. Momma and Dada, both school teachers, weren’t destitute but were committed to inculcating the atmosphere of the Great Depression on an ongoing basis, so my spending money was $5 five dollars — for the week. There was no allowance so there was nothing to save up. Even in 1963, five dollars was no money, though perhaps a fine grub-stake in 1929.

People who gamble for a living have a different mindset from those looking for ‘entertainment.’ I parlayed my five dollars as poker ante to operating money during the time of the camp. It’s literally playing like your life depends on it — all business. That focuses your mind on the reality rather than the dream. Then came the last day. Thinking the end was in sight, I let myself run out of money. Didn’t want to press my ‘luck.’ When the camp ended, I didn’t have any money left, even for a payphone. Noon check-out time came and went. Then all the people associated with the church camp went.

So at about three, I worked up the nerve to ask the hotel to call for me in the humiliation that I didn’t have a dime for the pay phone. The line was busy. And it stayed that way. I took turns sitting in the parking lot faithfully weeping, and coming back in to ask them to call again.

I thought about trying to walk and leave my bags at the hotel. This was a long walk, roughly twenty miles. However, I decided against that because in 1963, amidst the old-South struggle against Civil Rights that continues to this day, the Tulsa ‘south side’ was deadly after dark for people with One-Drop like me in a James Byrd understanding of not getting caught after dark. I wouldn’t have made it without getting pot-shotted (why you needed to be more afraid of the police than Negro thugs who weren’t likely to bother you if they didn’t know you) or lynched.

Finally, well after dark, the phone insistently busy, I asked the front desk to call me a cab. I told the cab driver that I would get money for them when I got home, but I didn’t have any at that time. He agreed to take me. So we pull up, I leave my bags in the taxi as collateral to get the money. My request for the fare in the form of an unhappy complaint was such that I might ‘need something to really cry about.

Smug and satisfied with a job well done, my parents’ physical cruelty was only outdone by the psychological; I was guilty of being less than joyful that I’d been ‘toughened up’ by being Abandoned!

Abandoned! as Prelude to Agnosticism

I had become somewhat accustomed to my Beatings for No Reason, but the psychological was where they excelled. The physical hurt would go away but the being set up for beatings with impossible situations was — remarkable. Look, no matter what you do – damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Act happy, time for a random beating, act sad, time for a ‘something to really cry about‘ beating. No wonder I was a raging Platonic Stoic by seven. Still don’t know how to cry.

Only in remembrance of this incident have I considered the possibility that the smouldering discontents of my Platonism broke through the cognitive dissonance of the man-as-if Pauline addendum wholly grounded in Fear by this being Abandoned. Finding that the substrate of Agnosticism and Atheism is a sense of Abandonment that’s distinct from an issue of existence but a question of anthropomorphic care and concern, that makes the issue of existence moot. Who cares?

The sense of Being Abandoned underlies all the fancy intellectual constructions, that follow the path of denial that there’s no care from the whirlwind, then bargaining that with the correct hopping on one foot and clucking that there will be care, then anger that the hopping and clucking results in no salvation from the vagaries of this existence, then the depression of Why Me? What did I do? Then acceptance in Agnosticism and Atheism; in a pre-emptive Abandoning The Absolute-Unity in a conviction of having been Abandoned! Giving up. Losing hope.

Mother’s Milk

Who can you trust when you can’t trust your own mother? Our primary faith is in other people, starting with the baby’s trust of the mother, that then extends to an ‘Us.’ If there was honor in my born family, it was Dada, who refused to Abandon. Dada’s father had abandoned his family when he was young and he became the man of the family as the oldest remaining son. Of his six siblings, two had died. He had an older sister Hilda and a younger sister Helen and brother John.

His mother, Maggie, was the prototypical matriarch of self-concern. Momma and Dada were in California when WWII ended and Dada got his discharge from the Army, momma in school at Berkeley getting her Masters. Dada moved her from civilization back to the still-backwards Desert Wilderness to take care of his mother and sisters. Through it all, Dada refused to Abandon. Neither his brothers and sisters, nor momma or myself and their daughter and its offspring.

macbeth3Momma’s raison d’etre was to foment conflict as a Macbeth’s witch with her evil tongue. I sneaked up on momma and Dada as a goof to learn that my Beatings for No Reason were at my innocent and understanding momma’s behest. Later to understand that was their ‘being fair’ to their emotionally disturbed daughter to assuage its Separation Anxiety Syndrome, its sense of abandonment from my having been born at its age three. That it insisted on passing along to its offspring with a habit of threatening to Abandon!

Dada had his heart attack and became senile chasing that ratty little five-year-old emotionally disturbed cretin because its Murderous Heart ‘mom’ wouldn’t and couldn’t actually be a parent. Refused to change its own baby’s diapers. Left that to an eighty-eight year old grandfather and seventy-nine year-old grandmother with Multiple Sclerosis on hand crutches. Insisted on publicly nursing it until well after it was old enough to stand up while nursing, had to weaned itself at the age of seven.

Perhaps Dada’s being Abandoned was his Never Again, as for me it’s been both an inability to abandon, as well as an obsession with Justice and Compassion. I followed in his footsteps and didn’t Abandon family, even when I should have. If he taught me by example not to Abandon, momma taught me by her example not to trust. That’s my made up from nothing understanding of my being intensely ‘religious’ but poor in faith, in trust.

Faith Is Trust: Unit Cohesion

Macbeth-betrayalHumanly, the largest part of faith in this here and now is of trust of our fellow human beings. That we either look to as men as deities or through in respect to The Absolute-Unity.

Mother, family group clan tribe nation, the Unit Cohesion of ‘Us’ that can be trusted is and has been fundamental to human survival throughout time, banishment in distrust a fate worst than death. A dimension of organized religions is an affirmative language that communicates who’s in as ‘Us’ and a who’s out as ‘Them’ difference. Trust or distrust, that is the question.

As the Code-words of the old-South designate prey, an affirmative terminology for ‘believers’ in the ‘religion’ is associated with a demonization package for ‘non-believers’ with an elevation, deification by infallibility as an absolute either-or. Sometimes that’s from within that person and usually it’s from without as the group of ‘Us,’ that’s handed down through generations. Deities’ mythological representation of the values of the group should be held as an infallible ideal, ought to be an in-common of agreement. In speaking the same ‘religious‘ language, trust is created and maintained. In this paradigm, the language of values is the religion in its totality.

The familial association is primary and integral, is fundamental to all religions, including Atheism, is a definition of an ‘Us’ in an extension of the concept of family. Literal interpretations of fundamentalism are primarily driven to create a definition in and out, Us and Them more so than nebulous improvable beliefs as Creationism versus Evolution. As racist Code-words serve as hog calls of the old-South faithful to a trough of Hate. The issue isn’t who they’re currently hating but the necessity to hate someone as a necessary function of their Calhoun Calvinist dominion theology. To justify.

This drives a hard Us-Them boundary of who can be trusted and who can’t. In the Gordis tent or out. The terminology and language matters far less than the commonality of a duty to judge themselves better on principle. With and in-common agreement of who gets to be cared for, and who doesn’t. That underlies both the historical American exceptionalism of Manifest Destiny and its modern counterpart in Israel.

Rapprochement and The Self

Identity, sense of self is intimately tied to human associations. In the rapprochement phase of development, when the child is developing a separate self from the mother, the child explores and brings an item found back to the mother to share the experience of discovery as an extension of a composite mother-child self. Rapprochement is transitional between that composite self and individuation, umbilical as the deep sea diver searching for treasure to return top-side to the mother-ship upon which it depends.

Rapprochement also refers to a human developmental milestone usually occurring between 15 to 24 months. The child moves away from and then returns to the mother for reassurance (Mahler).

More than simply reassurance is the necessity to ‘normalize,’ to contextualize and reconcile the new experience. In the oral phase, the mother-child identity is merged, the anal phase concerns development of a separate identity in ‘No’ that’s beyond the affirmative in a conjoined identity. Thinking for oneself. In Free Will. Separation Anxiety is a fixation in a Ms Haversham moment of accepting a ‘No’ and then being Abandoned! As by the birth of a baby needing attention.

The Self Is Always Composite and Relational

Rather than dissociation from the mother into an individuated single-self, the self connects, as neurons to other selves, father siblings peers religion society as examples. The self is always composite and relational to other human beings, bonding to a wider set of associations. Religion interacts with the individual by presenting the ‘findings’ of previous generations. As well as the Unit Cohesion what to think and how to feel along with a set of shoulds and oughts — ‘the culture of the situation.‘ ‘Fitting in’ is establishing the relational identity within the group that should and ought to care.

Because The Absolute-Unity can neither be proved or disproved, the question of existence as a thing is empty, but the whether question of care and concern is the either-or ground of both Perfect Faith and Atheism, of abandonment. The treatment of in or out, not only pertains to parents and children’s peer groups, but throughout life in both chosen and circumstantial associations that create categories and differentiations. Marquis St. Romney is fitting in with a society of peers such that ‘think they deserve to eat’ signals an in-common Ayn Rand Federalist religion of Calhoun Calvinist rejection of care except for themselves.

Atheists reject the concept of care of deity, as do the ‘religious’ who believe in imposition of ‘conversion’ by draconian power money might, rather than shining from within by Awe. Both in an idolatry of self. That contrasts to the Secular Humanism path toward Compassion for All Suffering without invocation of deity, by being responsible to care from Free Will. Without an expectation of a reward in an after-life for a primary example. All Hindus are not Thuggees bringing severed heads as proof of their devotion – in another rapprochement with their mother Kali.

Idolatry as Abandoning Faith in Anthropomorphic Care

My primary idolatry is a valuation of intellect. A life-long habit, as some have always struggled with their weight, of thinking that people, especially in the willfully insipid bottom of the educational food chain Desert Wilderness are dumb-as-a post. There is a seeming cognitive dissonance in my adulation of intellect and rejection of intellectualism as on par with the Shekhinah. Intellect is descriptive, of Facing Reality, and the Shekhinah is the connection to Beyond, to Not a Thing.

Idolatry of power money might as absolutely capable of making a reality desired has removed the ability to Face the Reality that Icebergs of Injustices will have their reckoning. That’s a logical consequence of the reality of continuity that’s more so a belief in Facing Reality than a ‘religious’ edict accepted from without.

Today, there’s arisen an idolatry of Jewry as an ‘ethnicity’ cum Aryan ‘race’ to justify the militaristic settlement enterprise Project Humiliation and Human Rights abuses. My objection is as much to the idolatry that reflects a consciousness of guilt. These have undermined both the credibility of the effort as Holy as well as defiled both the Holy Land and The Holy Name.

The almost unanimous outcry of elders of blessed memory pre-1947 against the creation of a ‘Jewish state’ has been borne out by a nation-state that’s a narcissistic self incapable of compassion for any thing other than itself. For an idolatry that’s been elevated to a status over Awe of HaShem. More than keeping Shabbat, unconditional support of say-do-whatever ‘unpopular things‘ under the The Fourteenth Principle addendum has become the definition of ‘in,’ ‘Us.’ Now we have idolatry of power money might in a Golden Calf upon a tower to the sky by the decision for a Hostile Take-over.

Abandoned or Banished: Deal Breakers

Dore - Tower of Babel

Dore – Tower of Babel

Through time, we have been differentiated, fractured. Sometimes through physical separation and at others by being at odds over theory and practice. Within Rabbinic Judaism, there are divergent traditions of an in-common, with Fault Lines in disagreement.

I found an interesting term ‘Righteous Jews,‘ describing Jews who have rejected Rabbinic Judaism but are still grounded in The Divine Torah. Consistent with the rejection of idolatries, including Racism religion Jewry and power money might, with Compassion for All Suffering. Operating under the admonitions of the prophets. Despite terminologies including and through describing themselves as Atheists that are closer to Credible as Holy than those pushing The Fourteenth Principle with an ‘I’m religious’ name-tag on their chest while standing firmly in idolatry of self. Of ‘ethno-religious’ autocracy with non-Jewish residents of Judea and Samaria beyond sub-human, as well as non-Jews within 1967 borders down there with debased Amalekites and Muslims.

This while allying with the scum of this existence old-South. Righteous Jews have rejected my Rabbinic Judaism for a Secular Humanism perhaps, or non-theosophic reflection as in Einstein’s famous letter but are being more consistent with Awe than Feiglin and Lior that stands that all The Good is for ‘Us’ and none is for ‘Them.’

So that while Shapiro of the King’s Torah has abandoned The Divine Torah with the JPost mainstream embrace of Kahanism, without the outward accoutrements and trappings of superficial ‘faith.’ Righteous Jews have refused to abandon, while banished from the Gordis tent for being guilty of abandoning men who would be deities.

The Divine Torah

As long as we have the immanent and transcendent Divine Torah, we have not been abandoned. Every Soul in this existence has been touched, either directly or through another in I-Thou as the World to Come approaches. From our depths of darkness in ignorance, this night as existence is being brought to go forth by the day of the World to Come.

The nation that was given The Divine Torah, across the spectrum, from avowed Atheist decrying got mine vanity to the Torah scholar whose every waking moment and dreams are irrevocable consciousness of that immanence and transcendence. On the one hand, there’s an ascendancy of pure self-interest with a best-case scenario of the righteous of other nations being the hand-servants of conquerors. And on the other is a World to Come of the righteous of All nations raised up. Judaism isn’t a nationalistic movement to an ethnocratic got mine, but movement of the spirit returning.

The Riverboat Queen and Book of the Dead

Our in-common understanding of the Book of Coming Forth by Day is that pharaoh is to pass to the court of Ra, becoming deity, from being incipient man-as deity on this earth. The hieroglyph of a hand above and another below is symbolic that pharaoh is not only being representative of their personal self, but a composite-self of all those below who have placed their faith in pharaoh. To return The Good in rapprochement.

The Divine Torah has freed us from that Egypt of looking to a man-as-if  thing, so that each Soul can place their hand in Heaven while still on earth, without an intersessional addenda. Without fear of Gordis’ excommunication. Uniting Heaven and earth. My prayers can’t create the Shekhinah, she brings me up in Compassion. The Divine Torah returns its found in rapprochement with its composite-self, The Absolute-Unity, isn’t only walking in internalized practice, but living in externalized Do the Right Thing. Kinetic as well as potential are necessary to close the metaphysical circle of continuity.

Revelations through the Prophets are transcendent, but the Down Here on the Ground, the here and now, is immanent of the prophetic tradition that speaks truth to power. Today, all are being asked to make a fundamental decision as to whether to support the militaristic settlement enterprise Human Rights abuses and Project Humiliation that are the logical consequence Of For By ethnic nationalism. To be indifferent to ‘Their’ suffering as a mitzvah of faith, for a greater ethnic cause. A deity.

Rivers Tributaries and Delta

The Divine Torah is immanent as a constantly active force in this existence that is a force as gravity creating the flow of Souls as waters, that’s becoming in Time and Motion, a tsunami sweeping all before it to the final destination of all, that will be the World to Come delta where the Souls of yetzer haTov will be deposited while those without substance are swept out to a sea of irrelevance.

Some rivers are holy. The distinction of having been given The Divine Torah is the responsibility to be a light to all the nations, to the substance of the Good in Perfect Faith in the the World to Come.

The Last  Flood

Noah’s charge was to save Humanity from the great flood that swept the righteous with the wicked, for a sign of what it means to be human, to be Good. In forty years of the torrential rains of the ascendancy of the souls of yetzer hara will be the last flood to a peaceful end in His Justice. One day. Even today’s Amalekites who reject Compassion for Suffering other than their own are aware.

While ignorance of the law, of the way, is no excuse, the warnings have been made. So that all with Ears to Hear have. My cousin’s ex-wife says I’ve abandoned my ‘race’ in the same way as Confederate Negroes fighting for Dixie against rights in the Ayn Rand Calhoun Calvinist Big Tent of Hate. Have abandoned compassion for anyone but myself, that I’m Haughty and Assimilated. In that I don’t accept ‘race’ as a real thing, I’ve abandoned that delusion-in-common that’s ‘Just the way it is.

I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things. —Isaiah 45:7

Moses in a basket

Am I abandoned? I don’t really know. When I say yes, I’m an Atheist, and when I say no, I have Perfect Faith. With a strong suspicion in diminished trust that it’s Both True and Not True.
Beyond all, by my interpretation, as Dada, it is I who cannot Abandon my mentors as fathers of Heschel and Buber, my true family who’ve always looked over me in my darkest and loneliest hours. It is I who am hemmed on all sides by Awe of HaShem that’s transcended my own Free Will with every moment as an immanent reminder.
It is I who promised at Sinai to do to hear. Gave my word.

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